not only is that self-conceited but it betrays the
VERY essence of why people write.
everyone from william shakespeare to jonathan swift
clearly portray that writers write in order to EXPRESS.
maybe it is what they are feeling or sometimes it is as far-
fetched as to release into reality a fantasy.
but nevertheless they write BECAUSE OF the here and now
that is happening to them.
for weeks now i have carried this word and these words in my heart.
countless pages ripped up can testify that i have tried to put this DEEP emotion
into a perspective that does it justice.
bbbbuuuuutttttt
tonight i saw a movie.
one that caused the SAME emotions that ive been feeling.
and the combination of the two hit me deep.
so now i am writing.
because of the HERE and NOW that causes my heart to be heavvyy.
the pains.
the fears.
the rejoicing that eventually ALWAYS leads to mourning.
i knew it alllll too well.
this movie was deeply secular but profoundly ME:
after a series of events, this crew of friends find themself
swimming next to their yacht that they forgot to release the
ladder to. 3 couples and one with a baby all alone on the boat,
which the mother was attending to when her old boyfriend
swept her up and jumped over board for fun.
HOPELESSly they were on the side of this boat and eventually
as they freaked out some died to wounds due to their failure in trying
to get back on the boat.
painlessly through the whole day the mom and dying dad
had to listen as their baby girl woke up and cried endlessly.
in the end it was just the ex-boyfriend and the mommy.
and as they executed their final plan to get back on the boat
in their near death state the mommy gets up there.
she hurries and releases the ladder for the guy to tend to himself
and runnsss to her baby. there she comforts and aides until the
baby is quietly sleeping again.
but she notices that the he never climbed up onto the boat.
and as she looks out into the dark ocean she sees him
swimming away and beginning to drown himself. (long story, it was
his fault the people died and the latter didnt go down)
what was soo ironic was that the mommy didn't want to be there
on that boat in the first place. she had a past traumatizing experience
with the ocean where in her youth her and her dad were swimming
and he drowned.
she never once wanted to go swimming or anything.
flashbacks held her captive.
but in that moment she knew that she had to leave her daughter
alone on that boat again and jump back into the ocean that just recently
held her very existence in its hands.
and so she did.
diving in she swam down deep to rescue this guy.
and the story ends as the morning sunrise comes up and
another boat stumbles upon them to their rescue.
nice movie.
but the trouble that won't leave me is that
the backbone of that plot is my very deepest fear.
deepest fear:
with freedom clearly in sight and deeply desired
but the reality is that it is almost never attained.
truely the fear of never being rescued fully.
i hate that sometimes i honestly feel like that.
seriously.
and even to the deepest of my being, i sometimes
convince myself that freedom is just a lofty
thought that pretentious, religious people speak of.
nothing ever attained by mere mortals who
are obviously sinners in all their failures and frailties.
like this past week and a half i have done an uncommon
amount of testimony giving.
campus jam at my school, during the half time of basketball games, etc.
and its not the whole ...
"my parents divorced.
i got saved.
and now things are peachy keen." timeline either.
no its diggin in deep and pulling out emotions
with past stories of how He came in to this life
of mine and wrecked it for the sake of HIS GLORY.
i shocked myself that one friday night at the campus jam
where i was telling my testimony and i realized that that was
the most intense and raw and real testimony that i have ever given
of my life.
and in all of its beauty ive been doing it again and again.
each time actually feeling the Truth that leaves my lips
and enters into their realm of knowing.
that Jesus Christ came into this world to save sinners.
[1 tim 1:14-16, message version]
hallelujah.
that is all good.
but what troubles my mind at all hours of the day
is the fact that i am still caught in most of the things
that are in my testimony.
why are they not defeated?
instead why am i the defeated one?
why Lord?
why is freedom a tease to me?
why does it seem like nothing more than
words and never an existing truth that my heart
feels ...?
why.
i guess this is where faith comes in.
as i just throw my hands into the air
and say, "its okay if i dont know freedom
or even if its a reality ... i'll just have faith.
believe in the unseen."
BUT i was not created to be unsatisified in my
desires for Him and the things of Him.
no, He comes to give Life and Life in abundance.
so i will wait.
and learn of this Life that He gives
along with the freedom that He teaches about.
sooner or later, He will come.
i cannot see it
but i love YOU.
barely know You
by enter the worship circle
"i dont understand You
but i love YOU
i cannot explain You
but i love YOU
i barely know You
but i love YOU
i love YOU
i love YOU
i love YOU
think of You more as much as i can handle
i cannot belive how much You love me ..."
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