taking inventory.

day by day, i feel Him fighting for more and more and oh so more of me...
some days the victory is His and life abounds

but then there are those days where the other has his way


and its in those moments that i see my ankles submerged in my shallow living
with the Truth mostly far from me
and with the advice of my enemies dripping from my ears

why do i take hold of that which my body hates?



going home for thanksgiving
tore deep inside of my being
made me question places of my heart rarely thought of


transformation?
change?


is it made from my hands?
is it the habitual behavior modification?

or is it this Man's work
of sin ripped away and flesh executed in plain site?
is it holiness that hurts the eyes and the process that heals the heart?



if i were to stand in the counsel of the wicked ...
or in layman's terms ... the atmosphere of my sins...
would i feel as if i were back at home?
or would i begin to itch with the sense of that which surrounding me
was the very thing that i opposed...i hated!
sin was no longer pleasing.
it was sickening.
it was repelling!

no more alluring.
just EXPOSING.


go ahead!
plaster my sins...each and every dark one of them on the walls
of my home and of my school ...
let them know that my sin is acknowledged as SIN and that IN ME
lies NO GOOD THING!
and as i gaze upon this exposing of my heart
you can catch me somewhat bent towards Someone
yes, i am leaning


if it were not for grace.
this would be no gospel.
if it were not for love.
He would be no Christ.


the reality of my salvation is enticing me to take inventory.

what is really happening in this heart of mine?




transformation?
change?


let my hands cling to this rugged cross
and this discovery of grace in the form of this magnificent gospel.

He who knew no sin became sin.

the One who could stand admist the many struggles at a party
watching each one and knowing their heart better than even they did
seeing why they would impoverish their thirst in those drinks
and feel their feelings of despair as those pipes only take away the Breathe of Life that He has already given them.



why do we take inventory of sin
and estimate how much we can get by with?
how much can the culture "not have a hold on us"
yet we still lavish praise on the way it grips us tightly?



WHY?


why do we condemn precious Paul when he boldly exclaims
from his heart that everything else is NOT WORTH IT

if it hinders him from Christ
may it be thrown in the sea like every other sin

why do we draw the line at sin?


is not Christ our goal?
our prize?


oh how He deserves our highest glance.
our deepest enamored response.
our reckless abandonment.

that's when i feel as if we really experience this gospel.
this beautiful gospel.
when our eyes leave ourselves and our pleasures
and are locked on Him.

maybe its that way.
or maybe its not.
i am still searching.
i am still desiring to know.

but i refuse to settle for what this gospel is NOT.
it is not a petty agreement to make Him feel good
by living a "good life"

yet letting our heart get DARKER and DARKER
and the lies continue to pile up with the sins attached to them




when did this masterpiece of a gospel get hijacked?
because after taking inventory of the lies in my life
as i look around, i see nothing but the consumption of lies into the mouth's of His precious bride
and into those whom He desperately desires to expose satan and to reveal Truth to.
salvation.
oh, how it is needed to both the brothel and the betrothed.
the loved and the unlovely.


lies are running rampid.
but when has exposing the lies in your life
and in your heart been a popular and welcoming hobby?


...
i want a transformation to happen in this dark heart of mine
like that of paul's and i want to say with him as he declares...
" i count it all is lost...if only to know Christ and to have a righteousness that is not my own ..."




exposing lies.
ripping away sin.

this is what i want my life to resemble.

Jesus, this is my desperation spelled out.
we spoke about it earlier ...
but please, again i plea...
COME.
COME, LORD JESUS.
that's all that i am asking.
because i know that in Your presence...

You abound.
come, make MUCH of Yourself.